Cutting

I had been cutting off and on for over a year.  My dean just found out yesterday, May 26, 2009.  When my dad yells at and insults me I would go up to my room and cut.  I have only, ever, cut because of my dad.  I started out by scraping away at my skin with a sharp piece of metal.  I would have to do this quickly or else I would get welts and have to start over or stop and wait at least a day to cut again.  Then I went to cutting.  I would cut my skin with wire that I had sharpened.  I sharpened a knitting hook and used that as well.  Before I cut I would wipe what I would use off using my shirt.  I would cut my arm.  I would cut quickly and quickly rotate my arm the other way making it cut deeper.  I would only cut along my forearm, but then I realized that it was too noticeable, so I went to my stomach.  Whenever I could not cut I would pinch myself. The last day I cut, my dad had yelled and insulted me a ton, so I quickly and firmly cut my stomach until there were so many welts that I could not cut very well anymore.  My first ones would not be very deep, but the later ones would bleed.  I cleaned off my cuts with a wet q-tip.  The next day at school, my undershirt pulled at my scabs.  I could not bend or twist without yanking at my scabs.  My friends had been aware of my cutting for awhile, but had never told.  After that day one of my friends told my dean.  My mom now knows, and my dad was told as well.  I am with my mom tonight.  I am terrified of going back to my dad’s house tomorrow.  I wish that I could go anywhere except for there.  I mean, when I went to the nurse at school because I had a battery acid burn, my dad yelled at me and got extremely mad.  I have been scared to even go to the nurse since then.  I want to go to a friend’s house or stay at my mom’s.  I have never cut at my mom’s, or because of school, or relationships ending, or anything except for my dad.  I am scared that my dad will hurt me, yell at me, or do anything else that he has done when he is mad.

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6 Responses to “Cutting”

  1. marycooke Says:

    Dear CSF,

    You already know what I’m gonna say… You have a choice!

    I’m praying for you. I don’t know what to say to help you, I’m not a psychologist. The only truth I know without any shadow of a doubt is that God loves you. When we are overwhelmed with bad feelings, He is willing to give us the comfort of His love and acceptance. We just have to open up to Him. But it’s not scary, because He is everything good and kind.

    When everyone else lets us down, He is the only one we can count on. God loves us just the way we are. He loves you, cuts and all. He loves your heart and mind and soul and spirit, every dimension of who you are. I pray that He will give you hope. I pray that he will give you peace. Let him wash away all the bad feelings and give you a brand new start. The Bible says, “Tears last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

    Don’t give up until you find the joy.

    Be strong! I believe in you!

    Hugs,
    Mary

  2. marycooke Says:

    I’m praying for you right now: openness to God’s Spirit of freedom and unconditional love, strength for the journey, redemption that you might be victorious over your circumstances and His name will be glorified. God is BIG! Anything is possible when we trust in Him. Praying for protection around you, God’s favor upon you, and His peace within you.
    Hugs,
    Mary

  3. Give Me My Mom: “Cutting” « RightsForMothers.com Says:

    […] Cutting […]

  4. Cold North Wind Says:

    Bravo for starting a blog and telling the truth. There are thousands and thousands of young people and children like you. Only a handful are able to tell what is / was happening to them. Please keep on blogging. You will help yourself and countless others.

    Be safe, be well- stop hurting yourself- Please. Get a pic of the person hurting YOU- and cut it-instead-or pin pricks in it.

  5. Krys Bubbles Says:

    You are loved and you are not alone. I have children in your situation. My daughter is very angry that the judge ignored her wishes and placed her and her brother with their abusive father. There is always hope. It hasn’t been long for them and they are going to be able to prove they are telling the truth. Don’t hide and cut yourself. Reach out to someone. I know your dad has told a lot of people not to believe you and you fear him being told every word you say. The same thing happened to my daughter and son. Keep telling. Someone will listen as long as you believe in yourself.

    Cherish whatever time you can get away.

    I’m still young enough to remember my own childhood. My dad called me horrible names and hit me. After he died, my stepdad shoved me around and said horrible things about me. Then my first real boyfriend did the same, and he is now a father treating his children the way his father treated him. But it does end. If you stand up for yourself and make it clear what is going on things will change. You can’t be held against your will forever.

    I’m in contact with legislators and I’m going to start a group to help children like you. There will be lawyers fighting for mothers and children to be listened to.

  6. Indianashame Teardropsforkatelynn Says:

    Oh Sweetheart, What brave thing you are doing. I know you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can do! You are not alone! I think you must very alone but you are not! I am so sorry that you have to be this strong and this brave and try to be adult smart when so many adults are failing you. I know this and much more because little katelynn’s big brother is trying to be as smart as you. You can only be kid smart because you are not a adult. Never doubt it is not you failing anyone it is all these adults failing you and your siblings. I recommend to you a site called CACA here is the link http://ca3cacaca.blogspot.com this is a grownup child who was once like yourself . She is very supportive of the children. Talk to her. Her name is Jennifer and she will understand cause she was once in the same situation as you. She might have some ideas to help you and your family. Also go to Courageouskids.net this is for kids that are courageous like you. I hope this helps you. I think you are so brave and smart and how lucky your siblings to have someone like you. Don’t even listen to the negative comments they don’t know what it feels like so the heck withem. My thoughts and prayers are with you for you are surely a Courageous kid!

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