Happy? Who me???

When I was with my mom for the fifteen days after the hearing, I was happy. That might seem like not that big of a deal, but it is. I cannot remember the last time someone told me that I looked happy. But during those fifteen days I was told that repeatedly. I was shocked every time I heard that; happy and I are not used in the same sentence without a un or a not. I was laughing and it sounded real, because for the first time in three years there was not a hidden depression fighting it. I was not struggling to keep myself afloat in the quicksand of depression; I was walking on a bridge above it. I started to realize that although I was scared of the future and was worried, I was happy. This fact shocked me. I have never been a happy person. My imaginary friend committed suicide. When I was little I would stand at the top of the stairs, look down over the railing and think about how easy it would be to jump. The only thing that kept me from jumping was my mom. I knew that she would be devastated. I could never hurt her like that. Not a day goes by when I don’t think morbid thoughts of one kind or another. And yet in those fifteen days, no morbid thought entered my mind. I had no weight in my chest. I felt as light as a feather. I will look back on those days as the best fifteen days of my life, covered by fear and worry, but peaceful and happy. I have never looked back because the past was too painful the first time, why make myself live through it again, but these fifteen days I will hold in my memory forever, not look back on them but rather know that they were there and in the mist of the fire pits of hell on Earth, there is an oasis. I will always hold those days dear. I had believed that I could never be truly happy as the weight of my past would never allow it. Now I know that I was wrong and I will be able to be happy when this is over, or even sooner. I have not lost the ability to be happy.


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2 Responses to “Happy? Who me???”

  1. SameBoat Says:

    I know two years seems like a long time, but do not do anything to permenantly solve a temporary situation. I know you are still a child and that it seems like an eternity but it is not. You will find ways to make a huge difference in this world as a result of your experience. You and your mother will get to live together one day. Do you know about Jennifer Collins? She’s an amazing young woman who survived too. Look up the story of her mother Holly Collins.

  2. viewsofthechild Says:

    Darling, I think it is awesome that you can write about your deepest darkest feelings and your greatest joys here for all of us who care to read. I am a Mom, first and foremost, above anything else, and then I am everything else.
    I wish that the corrupt and ignorant entities in the court would allow my daughter who is 16, access to the internet, a cell phone, so that she too could reach out and be comforted. But she is denied these necessities. They work so hard to keep the truth from coming out, but eventually, it always does…and we are left living with the damage.
    As a young girl and then young women growing up, my mother lived in the same house as I did, but it was if she was a million light years away – her own pain and anger from her past blinded her from the love she had right in front of her – she sees that now that she is in her 60’s and able to look back on life with remorse…and I see it now.
    But then, I was 15, I didn’t know. I truly believed that my mother didn’t love me or want me and that everything my father said about her was true. I developed anorexia, then bulimia, and I cut myself where nobody could see the scars. I was slave to those disorders and that pain for more than ten years. `I was unsuccessful in trying to end my life three times. So I stopped because I knew that God needed me here in Hell for some reason.
    Then, with a lot of hard good work, I learned to eat again, for me, healthy food. I learned to exercise without being ridiculous, I started to want to love and know myself outside of who I was growing up.
    Many many years have passed and today I have my own beautiful, precious daughter who is an Angel from Heaven, way too good for this earth, like most of you.
    I fight for her freedom everyday and I fight for the truth each day. I will never give up. Be comforted. You are not alone. There are many of us, good mothers and fathers, good people and good young people like you. Just keep reaching out.
    Blessings, Lee

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