Archive for the ‘School’ Category

Returning to you all

December 15, 2014

I must admit, it feels weird to return to this.  When reading my old posts, I am struck by how much I left out, by what I decided to include, and by my apparent lack of spellcheck.  I am now a sophomore in college; it’s amazing how much time has passed since I made the first post.  I wish I could say that everything was better now that I have moved across the country and that I left my past behind, but as much as I wish that to be true, it isn’t.  I think one thing that is striking me is how different it is trying to find an open ear as a survivor instead of as a current victim.  I guess the good news update is that I got into my top choice college.  I became an EMT my first semester of college and am also an RA.  But I feel like I am digressing.  I want to update you all on all the good that is in my life now, but I feel like I’m lying when I do.  It isn’t that good hasn’t happened; it’s that the hard parts of my life now, ie coping with my past, are so hard to describe that I feel like I am painting a false picture when I go on about the good.

Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about telling people I don’t know about how I’m doing when I am not even telling many of my loved ones.  I would love to pour out all my feelings, but I am not nearly as good at that as I was in middle school when you met me.  I struggle to say what has happened to me and even typing the words “my father” is foreign and uncomfortably revealing to me now.  Thus, I will tell you this: I will try for both you and myself.  I feel that you all were there when I needed you, and you should get to see the person I have grown to be.  I also wonder if making myself type out everything will help me process it.  I am sorry this post is so vague; I figure that by reading my other posts you can probably tell what “it” is and who “he” is.  Maybe one day I will feel comfortable typing what happened to me out again, and maybe one day I will be able to say the words again without discomfort or shame.  These are my goals, and why I will type.


Just when you think its going to be ok…

February 4, 2010

Of course our legal system is so corrupt and unjust you might just end up the one in jail punished for accusing the other. Your kids ripped from your arms because by trying to protecting them, you are alienating them and dangerous of course what else could be a logical conclusion? Oh and don’t forget trying the same thing that did not work three years ago again and the family is still trying to recover from it. Nevertheless, of course this time even though every aspect of it is the same, it is completely different, and it will work this time, of course. That is the difference between law and justice. THE LAW IS NOT JUST! They take kids from their caring, loving, responsible, archetype mom and give them to the abusive dad’s latest girlfriend, when the girlfriend will soon not be the girlfriend anymore. There are pictures of a naked woman on his phone. That is the “stable” environment in which they want to place the children. That is our legal system at work. Is that in anyway shape or form justice? Is taking a child, who has been following all the unjust laws, and telling her that because she does not love her father enough she cannot see or talk to her mom, justice? They have her come in to the court, sit down and then the judge starts talking; to the girl it is like a nightmare. The judge is far away and looking down on her making the decisions that will change her life. The judge starts to grow and get closer, and the girl grows slightly dizzy. She knows that any second now she will pass out unconscious in her chair. And she waits for unconsciousness to take her to a peaceful place, it never comes. Then the judge stops talking and the girl’s sister starts. Soon after that, the girl is sobbing and yelling at the judge. The sister storms out and the girl follows.  And with the step outside that room, she steps into her new life and as the door closes behind her, the possibility of turning back is sealed off forever. This story about the United States’ legal system is not uncommon. This injustice happens everyday in courts across the country. When well we step up and not take those unjust orders? Did that girl really need to go through it once to realize that it was wrong and that she could disobey the orders and try to change the system? When is injustice to much? Why don’t we protest all injustices? Why doesn’t anybody help the girl?


May 27, 2009

I had been cutting off and on for over a year.  My dean just found out yesterday, May 26, 2009.  When my dad yells at and insults me I would go up to my room and cut.  I have only, ever, cut because of my dad.  I started out by scraping away at my skin with a sharp piece of metal.  I would have to do this quickly or else I would get welts and have to start over or stop and wait at least a day to cut again.  Then I went to cutting.  I would cut my skin with wire that I had sharpened.  I sharpened a knitting hook and used that as well.  Before I cut I would wipe what I would use off using my shirt.  I would cut my arm.  I would cut quickly and quickly rotate my arm the other way making it cut deeper.  I would only cut along my forearm, but then I realized that it was too noticeable, so I went to my stomach.  Whenever I could not cut I would pinch myself. The last day I cut, my dad had yelled and insulted me a ton, so I quickly and firmly cut my stomach until there were so many welts that I could not cut very well anymore.  My first ones would not be very deep, but the later ones would bleed.  I cleaned off my cuts with a wet q-tip.  The next day at school, my undershirt pulled at my scabs.  I could not bend or twist without yanking at my scabs.  My friends had been aware of my cutting for awhile, but had never told.  After that day one of my friends told my dean.  My mom now knows, and my dad was told as well.  I am with my mom tonight.  I am terrified of going back to my dad’s house tomorrow.  I wish that I could go anywhere except for there.  I mean, when I went to the nurse at school because I had a battery acid burn, my dad yelled at me and got extremely mad.  I have been scared to even go to the nurse since then.  I want to go to a friend’s house or stay at my mom’s.  I have never cut at my mom’s, or because of school, or relationships ending, or anything except for my dad.  I am scared that my dad will hurt me, yell at me, or do anything else that he has done when he is mad.

A Cry For Help

May 20, 2009

Friday started out like every other day, but that was not to last long.  I got drooped off at the upper school parking lot.  I walked over to my locker.  When I got to my locker I saw a man with his head in it.  The man was going through my stuff.  I ran to my locker yelling, “Get out, go!  What are you doing?”  As I got closer I realized that it was my dad.  I was so surprised.  Then I asked my dad what he was doing and he glared at me and said, “Looking for your brother’s phone.”  I told him, “It’s not in there” and “Get out!”  After that it happened so quickly I don’t remember exactly what happened.  All of a sudden my dad was dragging me by my wrist somewhere.  After all that my dad has done to me in the past I was not to keen on that idea.  I wanted to stay in a group of people.  So I started to struggle.  I tried to wiggle free, but I could not.  So I bit him on the hand he was grabbing me with to make him let go but he pulled away without letting go and jerked my arm with him.  I had my purse with me so I banged him on the head as hard as I could with it.  I then threw it behind me, so he would not steal it.  My dad then hit me on the head.  And then started yelling at me and hurting me.  I forget what happened next.  My dad picked me up and started to carry me.  A shoe fell off and my pance started to fall off.  I begged my dad to let me at least pull up my pance. But he refused.  He carried me to the office where he threw me onto the couch.  He walked to Mrs. D and I followed him.  I stood there helplessly while he twisted what happened to make it look as bad as possible to Mrs. D.  He showed her his hand.  I had left a bit mark.  All ready it was purple.  I was shocked.  I only meant to bit lightly to make him let go of me! My wrist was really sore where he grabbed it.  As soon as my dad left I started crying uncontrollably.  Ms D hugged me and let me sit on her stool.  She gave me two tissues.  Mme gave me my purse.  Mme then told me to remember mountain pose. (Stay strong, nothing can hurt you, you become stronger with every breath) two friends came in to the lost and found.  I gave them my purse and told them to hide it.  They agreed and then left.  My dad came back in and I stopped crying.  (As a rule I NEVER cry in front of my dad.  It shows weakness.)  Finally Mrs. M came.  My dad left to talk to her.  They were in there talking forever!  Finally my dad came out and I went in.  I was still kind of in “shell shock” so now I have no idea what I said.  I hope I did not sound to dumb.  All through out the day I would randomly start crying.  I got so many hugs. Some of the people that hugged me, I did not even know there names!  To protect the identity of a friend that helped me I well call here A.  During the school day A came up to me to comfort me.  I barely knew her.  She said she knew what I am going through and gave me advice.  At the end of the day I was told another friend that my dad was by my locker.  I started to panic.  I wanted to run and hid, but I knew that I could not.  I began to cry and then to hyperventilate.  A girl hugged me and yelled for someone to get Mrs. M.  I herd some one yell for someone to call the police.  I noticed my dad looking at me and on the phone.  I started hyperventilating harder and began to fell dizzy.  Mrs. M reached me a second before my dad.  My sister grabbed hold of my hand and walked me out of the protection of my friends.  Once we were out of hearing distance she stopped playing nice sister and started yelling at me, “What happened?  Why did you bite dad?”  Since my dad was there I said nothing.  My sister always picks the worst times.  On the way back his house, my dad to take me to the police and make me stay there over the weekend; I kind of liked that idea.  He then threatened to not take me to school on Monday if I “act up” over the weekend.  He then told me where I would be spending my weekend, in the downstairs bathroom.  Even to sleep!  I was not surprised.  I was in the downstairs bathroom for seven hours.  I was let out for a couple minutes to set the table for everyone else.  My dad brought me my dinner and then started to pat me down.  Always returning to my privets!   I was so shocked I did nothing for a couple seconds.  Finally I asked, “dad, why are you feeling me up?” He denied it and then said, “I’m checking for your brother’s phone” Then he left me to eat my gross diner in peace.  I was then aloud to come out of the bathroom and wash my dishes.  About one hour later I was aloud to do homework.  After I finished, had written a letter of apology, wrote “I will act appropriately” 53 times, and memorized how to spell appropriately, I was surprisingly let out.  I had been told that I would spend the whole weekend including nights in the downstairs bathroom.  I fact my dad had even already brought down my blanket, not a pillow though.  I think he let me out because he was afraid that I would call Mommy.  I just finished showering and I’m in bed.  Dreading tomorrow, another dad with my dad probably in the downstairs bathroom.