Cutting

I had been cutting off and on for over a year.  My dean just found out yesterday, May 26, 2009.  When my dad yells at and insults me I would go up to my room and cut.  I have only, ever, cut because of my dad.  I started out by scraping away at my skin with a sharp piece of metal.  I would have to do this quickly or else I would get welts and have to start over or stop and wait at least a day to cut again.  Then I went to cutting.  I would cut my skin with wire that I had sharpened.  I sharpened a knitting hook and used that as well.  Before I cut I would wipe what I would use off using my shirt.  I would cut my arm.  I would cut quickly and quickly rotate my arm the other way making it cut deeper.  I would only cut along my forearm, but then I realized that it was too noticeable, so I went to my stomach.  Whenever I could not cut I would pinch myself. The last day I cut, my dad had yelled and insulted me a ton, so I quickly and firmly cut my stomach until there were so many welts that I could not cut very well anymore.  My first ones would not be very deep, but the later ones would bleed.  I cleaned off my cuts with a wet q-tip.  The next day at school, my undershirt pulled at my scabs.  I could not bend or twist without yanking at my scabs.  My friends had been aware of my cutting for awhile, but had never told.  After that day one of my friends told my dean.  My mom now knows, and my dad was told as well.  I am with my mom tonight.  I am terrified of going back to my dad’s house tomorrow.  I wish that I could go anywhere except for there.  I mean, when I went to the nurse at school because I had a battery acid burn, my dad yelled at me and got extremely mad.  I have been scared to even go to the nurse since then.  I want to go to a friend’s house or stay at my mom’s.  I have never cut at my mom’s, or because of school, or relationships ending, or anything except for my dad.  I am scared that my dad will hurt me, yell at me, or do anything else that he has done when he is mad.

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3 Responses to “Cutting”

  1. so sorry Says:

    I am so sorry about what you are going through, and I hope with all my heart that you get through this ok. Here’s some advice though: when we are dealt a certain hand in life, it is never our own fault, sadly we are the ones who bear the burden. in times like these each person has a choice, either to let their own pain consume them, or push through the pain to become a stronger and better person because of it. It is so easy to be lost in pains like this, to let them sweep you away with the echoes of your loved ones screams in your ears, but if you push through this it will be worth it. Find a goal and work for it, put your energy into something, either something you enjoy or something you excel at or anything really. Use this experience, you can find the power to change these things, to make the legal systems better, work for it and you will find a way to succeed. You are dealing with something horrible, this kind of thing should never happen to anyone much less a sweet girl like you, but you have to find a way to make it into something that you can do to make this world a better place. No child should have to go through this and you know that more than anyone. You can do something about it, believe in yourself, and believe that there is hope, and you will be alright.

  2. another mom Says:

    I am so sorry you are being subjected to maternal deprivation abuse. You are doing the right thing by blogging and people are finding you. Please reach out as much as you can. You will find there are hands reached out who will try to help you as much as possible.

    I hope that you do not hurt yourself, because it will not make things better, only worse. You have the seeds of greatness and are doing a great job getting the word out.

    You are and will continue to be a champion for children like yourself. Keep blogging. Keep talking. Never keep quiet about your situation.

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