Cutting

May 27, 2009

I had been cutting off and on for over a year.  My dean just found out yesterday, May 26, 2009.  When my dad yells at and insults me I would go up to my room and cut.  I have only, ever, cut because of my dad.  I started out by scraping away at my skin with a sharp piece of metal.  I would have to do this quickly or else I would get welts and have to start over or stop and wait at least a day to cut again.  Then I went to cutting.  I would cut my skin with wire that I had sharpened.  I sharpened a knitting hook and used that as well.  Before I cut I would wipe what I would use off using my shirt.  I would cut my arm.  I would cut quickly and quickly rotate my arm the other way making it cut deeper.  I would only cut along my forearm, but then I realized that it was too noticeable, so I went to my stomach.  Whenever I could not cut I would pinch myself. The last day I cut, my dad had yelled and insulted me a ton, so I quickly and firmly cut my stomach until there were so many welts that I could not cut very well anymore.  My first ones would not be very deep, but the later ones would bleed.  I cleaned off my cuts with a wet q-tip.  The next day at school, my undershirt pulled at my scabs.  I could not bend or twist without yanking at my scabs.  My friends had been aware of my cutting for awhile, but had never told.  After that day one of my friends told my dean.  My mom now knows, and my dad was told as well.  I am with my mom tonight.  I am terrified of going back to my dad’s house tomorrow.  I wish that I could go anywhere except for there.  I mean, when I went to the nurse at school because I had a battery acid burn, my dad yelled at me and got extremely mad.  I have been scared to even go to the nurse since then.  I want to go to a friend’s house or stay at my mom’s.  I have never cut at my mom’s, or because of school, or relationships ending, or anything except for my dad.  I am scared that my dad will hurt me, yell at me, or do anything else that he has done when he is mad.

Nemesis Essay

May 23, 2009

This is a little thing I wrote for English a while ago.

I am a teenage girl wanting to fit in.  Wanting to be wanted.  Wanting to be loved.  Of course, that is easier said then done.  Especially if you have a dad like mine.

I guess it is not my dad’s fault he is abusive.  I think his dad was.  Maybe my dad was never taught to control his anger, or how to be a good parent.  He takes his anger out on people.  My family is around him.  Therefore, I guess that makes us good targets.  In addition, his dad cheated on his wife, so maybe my dad dos not realize just how wrong it is.

My dad never apologizes.  I don’t think he cares that he hurts us.  He could have paid attention during the parenting classes my mom took him to.  There is really no excuse for my dad physically and emotionally abusing me.  He could hit a pillow, not me.  He could yell at a pillow or something, not me.

I guess I could try harder not to set my dad off.  After all, he is my dad, and I’ll probably have to spend time with him until I’m eighteen.  At eighteen I’m getting a restraining order, suing him, and changing my phone and e-mail.  Therefore, I guess if my dad wants to die, alone it’s up to him and fine with me.

About Me

May 21, 2009

I was taken away from my mom by the courts over 2 years ago.  My dad is abusive.  My mom has done nothing wrong.  She just wanted to get my sister and my self away from harm.  My dad and my lawyer, dave shulman who has been complained about in many cases for being unethical and only wanting money, twisted my mom’s desperation in to parental alienation.  I know telling you this will not help me get back with my mom, and home, because i have given up on all easy solutions, but i do need to get my fealings out.  Please be nice to me, i am going through alot, and i will try to protect my mom’s, sister’s, brother’s, and my own idenity as much as i can.  Please do not ask my personal questions, i am under 18 and will not do anything that could harm my love ones.  Thank you so much for your time.

A Cry For Help

May 20, 2009

Friday started out like every other day, but that was not to last long.  I got drooped off at the upper school parking lot.  I walked over to my locker.  When I got to my locker I saw a man with his head in it.  The man was going through my stuff.  I ran to my locker yelling, “Get out, go!  What are you doing?”  As I got closer I realized that it was my dad.  I was so surprised.  Then I asked my dad what he was doing and he glared at me and said, “Looking for your brother’s phone.”  I told him, “It’s not in there” and “Get out!”  After that it happened so quickly I don’t remember exactly what happened.  All of a sudden my dad was dragging me by my wrist somewhere.  After all that my dad has done to me in the past I was not to keen on that idea.  I wanted to stay in a group of people.  So I started to struggle.  I tried to wiggle free, but I could not.  So I bit him on the hand he was grabbing me with to make him let go but he pulled away without letting go and jerked my arm with him.  I had my purse with me so I banged him on the head as hard as I could with it.  I then threw it behind me, so he would not steal it.  My dad then hit me on the head.  And then started yelling at me and hurting me.  I forget what happened next.  My dad picked me up and started to carry me.  A shoe fell off and my pance started to fall off.  I begged my dad to let me at least pull up my pance. But he refused.  He carried me to the office where he threw me onto the couch.  He walked to Mrs. D and I followed him.  I stood there helplessly while he twisted what happened to make it look as bad as possible to Mrs. D.  He showed her his hand.  I had left a bit mark.  All ready it was purple.  I was shocked.  I only meant to bit lightly to make him let go of me! My wrist was really sore where he grabbed it.  As soon as my dad left I started crying uncontrollably.  Ms D hugged me and let me sit on her stool.  She gave me two tissues.  Mme gave me my purse.  Mme then told me to remember mountain pose. (Stay strong, nothing can hurt you, you become stronger with every breath) two friends came in to the lost and found.  I gave them my purse and told them to hide it.  They agreed and then left.  My dad came back in and I stopped crying.  (As a rule I NEVER cry in front of my dad.  It shows weakness.)  Finally Mrs. M came.  My dad left to talk to her.  They were in there talking forever!  Finally my dad came out and I went in.  I was still kind of in “shell shock” so now I have no idea what I said.  I hope I did not sound to dumb.  All through out the day I would randomly start crying.  I got so many hugs. Some of the people that hugged me, I did not even know there names!  To protect the identity of a friend that helped me I well call here A.  During the school day A came up to me to comfort me.  I barely knew her.  She said she knew what I am going through and gave me advice.  At the end of the day I was told another friend that my dad was by my locker.  I started to panic.  I wanted to run and hid, but I knew that I could not.  I began to cry and then to hyperventilate.  A girl hugged me and yelled for someone to get Mrs. M.  I herd some one yell for someone to call the police.  I noticed my dad looking at me and on the phone.  I started hyperventilating harder and began to fell dizzy.  Mrs. M reached me a second before my dad.  My sister grabbed hold of my hand and walked me out of the protection of my friends.  Once we were out of hearing distance she stopped playing nice sister and started yelling at me, “What happened?  Why did you bite dad?”  Since my dad was there I said nothing.  My sister always picks the worst times.  On the way back his house, my dad to take me to the police and make me stay there over the weekend; I kind of liked that idea.  He then threatened to not take me to school on Monday if I “act up” over the weekend.  He then told me where I would be spending my weekend, in the downstairs bathroom.  Even to sleep!  I was not surprised.  I was in the downstairs bathroom for seven hours.  I was let out for a couple minutes to set the table for everyone else.  My dad brought me my dinner and then started to pat me down.  Always returning to my privets!   I was so shocked I did nothing for a couple seconds.  Finally I asked, “dad, why are you feeling me up?” He denied it and then said, “I’m checking for your brother’s phone” Then he left me to eat my gross diner in peace.  I was then aloud to come out of the bathroom and wash my dishes.  About one hour later I was aloud to do homework.  After I finished, had written a letter of apology, wrote “I will act appropriately” 53 times, and memorized how to spell appropriately, I was surprisingly let out.  I had been told that I would spend the whole weekend including nights in the downstairs bathroom.  I fact my dad had even already brought down my blanket, not a pillow though.  I think he let me out because he was afraid that I would call Mommy.  I just finished showering and I’m in bed.  Dreading tomorrow, another dad with my dad probably in the downstairs bathroom.