Posts Tagged ‘happy’

Returning to you all

December 15, 2014

I must admit, it feels weird to return to this.  When reading my old posts, I am struck by how much I left out, by what I decided to include, and by my apparent lack of spellcheck.  I am now a sophomore in college; it’s amazing how much time has passed since I made the first post.  I wish I could say that everything was better now that I have moved across the country and that I left my past behind, but as much as I wish that to be true, it isn’t.  I think one thing that is striking me is how different it is trying to find an open ear as a survivor instead of as a current victim.  I guess the good news update is that I got into my top choice college.  I became an EMT my first semester of college and am also an RA.  But I feel like I am digressing.  I want to update you all on all the good that is in my life now, but I feel like I’m lying when I do.  It isn’t that good hasn’t happened; it’s that the hard parts of my life now, ie coping with my past, are so hard to describe that I feel like I am painting a false picture when I go on about the good.

Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about telling people I don’t know about how I’m doing when I am not even telling many of my loved ones.  I would love to pour out all my feelings, but I am not nearly as good at that as I was in middle school when you met me.  I struggle to say what has happened to me and even typing the words “my father” is foreign and uncomfortably revealing to me now.  Thus, I will tell you this: I will try for both you and myself.  I feel that you all were there when I needed you, and you should get to see the person I have grown to be.  I also wonder if making myself type out everything will help me process it.  I am sorry this post is so vague; I figure that by reading my other posts you can probably tell what “it” is and who “he” is.  Maybe one day I will feel comfortable typing what happened to me out again, and maybe one day I will be able to say the words again without discomfort or shame.  These are my goals, and why I will type.

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Happy? Who me???

February 23, 2010

When I was with my mom for the fifteen days after the hearing, I was happy. That might seem like not that big of a deal, but it is. I cannot remember the last time someone told me that I looked happy. But during those fifteen days I was told that repeatedly. I was shocked every time I heard that; happy and I are not used in the same sentence without a un or a not. I was laughing and it sounded real, because for the first time in three years there was not a hidden depression fighting it. I was not struggling to keep myself afloat in the quicksand of depression; I was walking on a bridge above it. I started to realize that although I was scared of the future and was worried, I was happy. This fact shocked me. I have never been a happy person. My imaginary friend committed suicide. When I was little I would stand at the top of the stairs, look down over the railing and think about how easy it would be to jump. The only thing that kept me from jumping was my mom. I knew that she would be devastated. I could never hurt her like that. Not a day goes by when I don’t think morbid thoughts of one kind or another. And yet in those fifteen days, no morbid thought entered my mind. I had no weight in my chest. I felt as light as a feather. I will look back on those days as the best fifteen days of my life, covered by fear and worry, but peaceful and happy. I have never looked back because the past was too painful the first time, why make myself live through it again, but these fifteen days I will hold in my memory forever, not look back on them but rather know that they were there and in the mist of the fire pits of hell on Earth, there is an oasis. I will always hold those days dear. I had believed that I could never be truly happy as the weight of my past would never allow it. Now I know that I was wrong and I will be able to be happy when this is over, or even sooner. I have not lost the ability to be happy.