Posts Tagged ‘sobbing’

Happy? Who me???

February 23, 2010

When I was with my mom for the fifteen days after the hearing, I was happy. That might seem like not that big of a deal, but it is. I cannot remember the last time someone told me that I looked happy. But during those fifteen days I was told that repeatedly. I was shocked every time I heard that; happy and I are not used in the same sentence without a un or a not. I was laughing and it sounded real, because for the first time in three years there was not a hidden depression fighting it. I was not struggling to keep myself afloat in the quicksand of depression; I was walking on a bridge above it. I started to realize that although I was scared of the future and was worried, I was happy. This fact shocked me. I have never been a happy person. My imaginary friend committed suicide. When I was little I would stand at the top of the stairs, look down over the railing and think about how easy it would be to jump. The only thing that kept me from jumping was my mom. I knew that she would be devastated. I could never hurt her like that. Not a day goes by when I don’t think morbid thoughts of one kind or another. And yet in those fifteen days, no morbid thought entered my mind. I had no weight in my chest. I felt as light as a feather. I will look back on those days as the best fifteen days of my life, covered by fear and worry, but peaceful and happy. I have never looked back because the past was too painful the first time, why make myself live through it again, but these fifteen days I will hold in my memory forever, not look back on them but rather know that they were there and in the mist of the fire pits of hell on Earth, there is an oasis. I will always hold those days dear. I had believed that I could never be truly happy as the weight of my past would never allow it. Now I know that I was wrong and I will be able to be happy when this is over, or even sooner. I have not lost the ability to be happy.

Just when you think its going to be ok…

February 4, 2010

Of course our legal system is so corrupt and unjust you might just end up the one in jail punished for accusing the other. Your kids ripped from your arms because by trying to protecting them, you are alienating them and dangerous of course what else could be a logical conclusion? Oh and don’t forget trying the same thing that did not work three years ago again and the family is still trying to recover from it. Nevertheless, of course this time even though every aspect of it is the same, it is completely different, and it will work this time, of course. That is the difference between law and justice. THE LAW IS NOT JUST! They take kids from their caring, loving, responsible, archetype mom and give them to the abusive dad’s latest girlfriend, when the girlfriend will soon not be the girlfriend anymore. There are pictures of a naked woman on his phone. That is the “stable” environment in which they want to place the children. That is our legal system at work. Is that in anyway shape or form justice? Is taking a child, who has been following all the unjust laws, and telling her that because she does not love her father enough she cannot see or talk to her mom, justice? They have her come in to the court, sit down and then the judge starts talking; to the girl it is like a nightmare. The judge is far away and looking down on her making the decisions that will change her life. The judge starts to grow and get closer, and the girl grows slightly dizzy. She knows that any second now she will pass out unconscious in her chair. And she waits for unconsciousness to take her to a peaceful place, it never comes. Then the judge stops talking and the girl’s sister starts. Soon after that, the girl is sobbing and yelling at the judge. The sister storms out and the girl follows.  And with the step outside that room, she steps into her new life and as the door closes behind her, the possibility of turning back is sealed off forever. This story about the United States’ legal system is not uncommon. This injustice happens everyday in courts across the country. When well we step up and not take those unjust orders? Did that girl really need to go through it once to realize that it was wrong and that she could disobey the orders and try to change the system? When is injustice to much? Why don’t we protest all injustices? Why doesn’t anybody help the girl?

“Alienation’

November 23, 2009

Just something I wrote about how “alienation” is used as an excuse not to listen to kids

“Alienation”

You say my mom alienates me

And pay no mind to me

When I’m telling you that what I say is true

My father did hurt me last night

But you don’t care at all

You shrug it off as my mom’s fault

And tell me I have to be good

My father beat my sister last night

I could hear her screams

I cried because I could not help her

And could not block the screams

When I told you this, you told me to be good

And said that I could only see my mom if I did not tell a soul

I am still haunted by my sister’s screams

But you just shrug it off

As something, that my mom told me

And pay no mind to me